1. Because true intellectuals can use proper grammar. 2. Because I can’t tell how much of this is a lie and how much is the truth. 3. Because Asa smokes kittens. 4. Because I have no idea what’s going on in this bio. 5. Or this one. 6. Because Shane makes unnecessary acronyms. 7. Because I don’t use people for their Costco memberships. 8. Because Sean’s…
Roll the opening credits. Enter Average Troubled Male. Average Troubled Male has a mediocre, meaningless life. He feels trapped in his job and either hates his friends or has none. He can’t see the fun in anything, and he’s on the road to depression. What does he need? A) To get out of his cubicle…
1. The Rhymer 2. The Frolicker 3. The Confused One 4. The Confusing One 5. The…What? 6. The Advertiser 7. The Alternative Pet 8. The Aggressive Adulterer 9. The Cultural Appropriator 10. The One With The Banana 11. The Identity Crisis 12. The Human 13. The Child 14. The Lamp 15. The Potential Murderer For…
He didn’t close his door. He sat in his desk chair. With those two simple things, I could relax. Together they screamed, “I realize I brought you to my bedroom on our first date, but I’m not trying to push any boundaries.” The night didn’t start off so promising. He had texted to say he’d…
You’ve already read about the time my Tinder date pulled out a gun, but that night was relatively late in my Tinder “career.” Before I even considered meeting anyone I met on the app, I flicked through a ton of guys and had conversations with a good handful. A lot of those people were really…
I’m pretty trusting of people on the Internet. I successfully traveled from Boston to Ithaca with Zimride. I’ve used Craigslist to get babysitting and petsitting jobs. I looked for VidCon roommates using Facebook. Last November I arranged to stay for four days with a YouTube friend I’d never met. So when my friend encouraged me to download Tinder, an app…
I remember weekly poker nights that lasted long into the night, fueled by sparkling cider and laughter. I remember how unashamedly I lay my head down and power napped in the library before starting the essay that seemed impossible. I remember choking on irony and tragedy as the vet told me she’d finally feel relief…
I remember looking under the dining room table and finding a pastel basket filled with ten dimes, a handful of jellybeans, and a package of Peeps. I remember taking a wrong turn and preparing to fend for myself on the freeway on-ramp. I remember being his manic pixie dream girl. I remember silent tears dripping…
I’ve lived in the same suburb of Portland my entire life. We moved once, but only up the street into a house with new construction. How first world of us. During junior high and high school I often hated our suburb. I was different from most of my classmates: I wasn’t particularly interested in sports, my…
I started getting ready for bed and I noticed my pillow was missing. I immediately went to my sister’s bed, and found her reading with both of our pillows behind her. Me: “Can I have my pillow?” Her: “Oh, this is yours?” Me: “Yeah.” Her: “Here you go.” (she gave me the one immediately behind her, rather than…
Victim to Charm 