1. Because true intellectuals can use proper grammar.
2. Because I can’t tell how much of this is a lie and how much is the truth.
3. Because Asa smokes kittens.
4. Because I have no idea what’s going on in this bio.
5. Or this one.
6. Because Shane makes unnecessary acronyms.
7. Because I don’t use people for their Costco memberships.
8. Because Sean’s a player.
9. Because I’m not hipster enough for a guy who’s probably equally mainstream.
10. Because I don’t have the slightest idea how to say his name.
11. Because Jordan loves his sport so much that he keeps it a secret.
12. Because I’m not an acolyte.
13. Because A-roll is having an identity crisis.
14. Because this is what James is doing with his Cornell education.
15. Because I like pizza.
16. Because I love oatmeal raisin cookies.
17. Because no.