Unzipped

How people handle joy and pride shows you a lot about them. How people handle pain and remorse shows you even more.

I’m not the girl who sits on countertops and swings her legs slightly as she falls in love or makes a big decision. I’m the girl that makes pro/con lists and sees everything as a process.

I don’t make a mistake and hope nobody will ever find out. I don’t carry dark, hidden secrets that can only be unlocked in a late night heart-to-heart.

I’m much more direct, and when someone hurts me I yearn for them to be just as straightforward. I just want the five feet of apology between us to be genuine. I want that apology to bridge the gap between destructive hurt and rebuilding a foundation of trust.

All I want to hear is, “I did something wrong, I wish I could make it right, and I can’t, but I hope you can forgive me in time.”

And sometimes that’s all I can say, especially when I don’t expect forgiveness.

I’m the girl who feels limited by English. Sometimes “sorry” can’t even begin to cover the scope of crippling, keeps-you-up-at-night remorse. An apology is how I verbally hold my head in my hands and show how desperately I ache for a re-do button to fix what I’ve done. “I’m sorry” is my promise that despite how rightfully upset with me you are, I’m even more distressed. I have to grieve the loss of the friend I thought I was.

I’m doing that grieving process now.

I was impulsive and irrational, and I made a terrible decision that destroyed a friendship that meant a lot to me. I handled it in the only way I know how: I owned up to what I did, apologized, and didn’t expect to be forgiven. “I’m so sorry” couldn’t fix it. I’m not sure anything could’ve fixed it.

It was like watching a zipper break and irreparably split apart: all the pieces are there, but they no longer fit together the way they used to.

11 thoughts on “Unzipped”

I love you girl. We all make mistakes, the best thing we can do is own up to them. That is one thing I absolutely love about you, and I look up to you.

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Sabina says:

October 28, 2014 at 12:48 pm

Thank you lovely <3

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I know it’s cliche, but a lot of times the only thing that can make everything right again is time. I hope it all works out how you want it to. We all make mistakes, don’t beat yourself up about it. The key is to learn from them and not repeat them.

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Sabina says:

October 28, 2014 at 4:39 pm

Hopefully time will help, but I have to admit that I’m skeptical in this particular case. It definitely has taught me a lot already though.

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The most important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and have an open heart for when and if relations can be mended. I have gone through enough “break-ups” over the years to learn that some “stick” and some don’t. With some of my closest friends, I have had breaks where I thought we would NEVER speak again, and some months, sometimes many months later, we bumped into each other and we got back to the same strong friendship we had before the “break”. And in others … the break was permanent, but over time it made sense that we parted our ways. Things are most often NOT as they seem. And we just need to let nature take its course, send loving thoughts to your friend and to yourself, by the way … and just keep on keeping on. You did your best to try to make amends. Take a deep breath and be at peace with that and trust that if your friendship has staying power – it will return to you at some point.

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